A New Beginning, Part II

We'll take this one in English, I get bored writing in Swedish n somehow my writing flows better when writing in English.

So anyway… Some updates concerning what I wrote last time:

To someone's misery (n someone else's joy), the ex isn't coming to stay with us (!). I guess I should feel bad for her sake, n in some way I actually can symphatize with her, but honestly, it was an answer to my prayers to hear she isn't coming. Call me the evil one, that's just my honest feeling about the whole thing. I believe I would have seriously lost my mind if I had to put up with living with my husband's ex while at the same time preparing to give birth n later adjusting to the new life as a mother…

In other news…

Am slowly getting used to home life again. It gets a little boring at time, but thinking realistically I try to get as much out of this time as possible. Most likely I won't have much time for myself after our son is born. It's funny, I always knew I wanted to be a young mother, although I had sort of thought I would have come out of my teens first. Life has a way of taking unexpected turns. Man, I may just be at home all day, n you would think I'd be relaxed but my mind is running crazy. Seems the more my body is relaxing the more busy my mind is. There should really be an ON/OFF buttom for thinking… It's damn exausting! 😛

I think I'm a little to tired to write anything intelligent right now, my thought are as focused as the flight of a drunken bumblebee…

En ny början (A New Beginning, Swedish blog this time)

Och så tar vi en på svenska… Mest för att jag inte orkar översätta en txt jag skrev tidigare… 😛
En ny tid har börjat; en tid utan jobb eller studier. En tid att "bara" vara hemma och sköta man, hem och, så småningom, barn. Kan ärligt säga att jag aldrig sett mig själv som den som skulle bli hemmafru, och speciellt inte så här tidigt i livet. På ngt sätt tillhör jag inte standard modellen för hemmafru, och jag tror andra skulle hålla med mig. Ibland förvånar man sig själv. Ska nu vara hemma minimum ett år, "ta ledigt" kallas det tydligen, men i verkligenheten innebär det mer arbete än ngnsin innan, bara av ett annat slag, och obetalt (föräldrarpenning räknas inte då det inte ens räcker till att betala hyra, och förresten, varför i h*sike ska man betala skatt på bidrag?!). Hm, det kommer att innebära att jag tagit 2 år ledigt från skolan om jag börjar plugga igen nästa höst. Konstigt att va borta från skolan så pass länge. Börjar kännas av, intellektet behöver sin stimulans, och lat som man är så blir det dåligt av den varan när man inte tvingas sitta i skolbänken. Får väl ta och komma mig för ngt. Kanske. Får se. Ska ta och klara av körkortet och inträdes proven först. Sen får vi se hur mycket styrka och ork man har kvar när babyn kommer och man tvingas dela bostad med karls ex i ngn månad. Hur man ska klara det med vettet i behåll är en fråga jag inte ser fram emot att ta itu med… *mummel*

Anyway, ska ta och återgå till mitt nuvarande jobb; få ordning på detta hushåll. Jisses, måste verkligen lida av "nesting behaviour" (va sjutton d nu har för term på svenska), har aldrig i mitt liv haft sån ordning och städ noja…

Unexpected Contact

That was weird… A few days ago a former classmate (from primary school), also known as one of those who turned my 6 years of primary school into a life without selfesteem, took contact with me online. Note that I have moved on and forgiven them for what they put me through when I was a kid (bullying may cause deep emotional wounds in a kid when you experience is daily for about 6 years), so we are able to talk nowadays. The weird part is that this person took contact again. Last time I saw that person was when I graduated from 9th grade, and we haven't really spoken since I was about 14-15. We seperated on good grounds, but I myself haven't had any desire to stay in contact. Yes, I have forgiven, and I have moved on, but I am still feeling the effect and consequences of their treatment.

Funny though, I did reply to the persons attempt. I don't feel I have much to say, and honestly it brings up a lot of memories I'd rather keep out of mind, so I don't say much. Just the regular "yes, I'm fine. I live here nowdays and am doing this and this." Not much, just a few words. How come it still awakens so much in me?

Money Pressure n Lack of Independence

Money, money, money…

Man, why are we so ruled by money? Every little detail of our lives are dependent on these little pieces of metal or paper (mostly paper since if you can't get much done with a few coins), from living to eating. I wouldn't be surprised if we'll be charged for breathing soon *hmpf*. I miss the times when I was a kid, when you didn't have to worry about where the next cent would come from to pay the rent, phone bills, other bills, to even get food. Now it's just a struggle to even get by day to day, literary.

I don't quite know how we got into this whole mess, all I know is it worries me. Our son is coming in a few months time, we are supposed to host some people soon, and we are even having trouble getting food for the day. My mind tells me we're screwed, still I hold on to the one hope I have in my husband and my Lord. I know my beloved will work his ass off to take care of me and our son growing inside me, and I don't believe our Father would have set us here just to get destroyed. The only thing is it pains me to see my husband struggle so much, I see he's stressed, knowing that I myself can't do much to contribute. When you are 7 months pregnant, people aren't too willing to give you work. All I really can do now is just to stand by his side, and try to swallow my own worry, cos I've seen that if I start to freak out, he gets even more worried. I used to think men, at least my husband, were better at staying strong or at least were more willing to be the strong one. In real sense, we need each other to be strong.

The saying goes nowadays that you are strong alone, that you should be independent of everyone else. I used to live according to that, but frankly it didn't lead me anywhere. Well, it didn't lead me somewhere, but not anywhere I wanted to be. Yes, I was independent and strong on the outside, but it was a damn lonely life to live. Isolated. Cold. Dead. Nothing to celebrate. All the so called feminists may jump at me now, but I actually prefer being a two some, having someone to lean on and to take care of me when I myself am feeling week. I may not live a very independet life now, but instead I have a much richer life. I know I can trust my man to be there for me, to hold me, to support me, to discipline me when needed, to give guidence and advice when I can't see so clearly ahead, to comfort me, to laugh with (and at) me, to love me, to help me be the real me. Also, quite naturally, it goes the other way as well.

Two is so much sweeter than one. And soon we'll even be three 🙂

First steps – The Glory of Writing

Well, here we go, first one out. Exposing my inner thoughts to the world. Not that all of them may be so personal or something that should remain privet (who in their right mind would post such on the internet?), but from experience I can imagine these bloggs might be more like diary entries for me. Writing is a way of expressing yourself, a method I've been using since I was about 8 years old in diary form, poes, lyrics, etc. For some reason I find it easier to get stuff out of my mind through writing rather than talking. It has been somewhat of a problem at times, but I find it to be the best theraphy for me. It's a wonderful way of learning to express yourself while it also increases your vocabluary and reading and writing skills. The greatest effect, however, that writing and literature has, in my opinion, is that it expands our minds. Maybe I sound like a geek, or then the IB (International Baccalaureate, my former school), has brain washed me too much (any former or active IB student will understand what I'm talking about), but you know what? I don't care, and no one should be ashamed for having an a passion for something, for writing is both my theraphy and my passion.

Many of the worlds greatest people were misunderstood at first or considered to be weird or abnormal. The thing is, new thoughts require new thinking. It's a cicle in itself. With this I don't mean to raise or praise myself to be anything higher than anyone else, what I mean is that we should find more ways of expressing ourselves. You might not believe me, but I believe there are hidden treasures in every person just waiting to break through. Some have the potential to be great thinkers, creating new philosophies giving us a new understanding of the world, ourselves, the ways of the universe. Others have the ability to heal with their words, to bring comfort and hope to others in times of desperation. Others still can bring huge inpact in high society, changing the way we live through for example politics, media, leadership or mentoring etc. The list goes on forever. In short, we should allow ourselfs to express ourselves much more and not be afraid of what other people may think or say. One way to do this is through writing, and I can imagine that many, consciously or not, do this here on WordPress.

Whether or not my text here makes any sense to you, messy as it is, hopefully you can get something out of it. In the future I may or may not succeed in writing more logically flowing or sensible texts. In the end, it doesn't even matter if I do succeed or not. This is sort of my style of writing; stream of consciousness I belive is the literary term. If I'm able to touch only one person at one time or an other with my words, I consider my writing to have been successful. If not, well, then this is just more theraphy for me; the mere glory or writing